The Porcelain Bowl Volume 4 Issue 5

The Porcelain Bowl Volume 4 Issue 5
What have you done today to feel proud Part II

Quips and Quotes:
Mental toughness is many things. It is humility because it behooves all of us to remember that simplicity is the sign of greatness and meekness is the sign of true strength. Mental toughness is spartanism with qualities of sacrifice, self-denial, dedication. It is fearlessness, and it is love. Vince Lombardi


Catch 22
"patty, how are you so brave?"
Me, brave? I have never considered myself brave. I thrive. I realize that for me the alternative is defeat and self-loathing, so I am determined by God's grace to be more than that. I can love myself and keep moving because I have to. For me there is no other choice. Now, for some people who don't share in my background, I guess I should explain. The way I grew up, the odds were against me. See, I am not suppose to be here. Yet, I have arrived. When you are seen as big black female ugly poor ...there is a lot of traumatic happenings that you gotta go through. People are not inherently nice and don't really care, most of the time. People will call you out of your name. Spit in your face or throw rocks at you. Reject you because you don't look like them. Hate you because your presence makes them realize that they are not near perfect. They will disrespect you because they are insecure. Lie to you because they can. Steal from you because they can. Hurt you because well, they can. Cheat you..., well, you get the idea.If you are not perceived as a person of worth by societal standards, it is hard to maintain anything but to either be brave because the alternative is social death. How else, can I explain it, I know for many its hard to hear me be this REAL. I think that it's harder to be a combination of rich, white, male, etc., than what it means to be the opposite of all these things. I believe that because not only do you not learn how to be brave, you are raised to be a coward. The majority in America is taught to resist change and that seeing "othered" groups as equals relinquishes artificial power that is still used to subjugate entire groups of people. Yet, still, a coward mocks others and treat others like poop, a coward is someone who hurts others so that they feel better or don't even think about what they are doing and still perform this function.
However, then these cowards come to college, and are told to buy into diversity and treat people better...well that really can\'t happen if a person is not able to see their privilege, and to see the mechanics are that keep them a coward.\nWhat are those mechanics?If you have only had wonderful things happened to you, and then you normalize those things, then you will never appreciate where you came from and what you have. You will be selfish and not treat people right. That is what has to be unlearned. I once jested with a friend about adventure sports. Now, I love sports, in fact I can\'t believe I love hockey! But look at the populations of people who do adventure sports. The people who participate are mostly white, and the people who have money. Most of the time those two groups are the same population. Why do you think that this group participates in adventure sports? I don\'t need adventure sports because existing is hard enough. The thrill for adventure sports comes from the place of desiring a thrill and to prove one\'s ability to take on something life threatening; that is faux bravery. (Don\'t feel bad if you do adventure sports.) \nLife is hard enough, but if you never had to struggle, if you never had your life threatened on a regular basis just because of who you are. If you are like a professor of mine (dr. rose) who grew up in the upper part of Louisiana where she was taught not to go out after dark, for fear of her life because she was black. If you have ever been followed on the street because you were a woman and cornered in an alley. You never have to make up thrills. Adventure sports don\'t attract you. This is because life is the thrill. Life can be more than enough.\nIf you don\'t have to really be brave in your own life (which I highly doubt), be brave for someone else, help someone, be a friend, be a supporter, and/or a gift giver. I will never spend money on sky diving because I know that there is a kid who doesn\'t have school supplies. I know that there is an elderly woman who cannot afford groceries. For as much as I struggled and continue to struggle, I realize even more that I need to be brave for others and help them. Spread the love around. When you give love to multiple people in service, your heart can be broken, but it will never be wounded. You never will fully appreciate what you have if you don\'t give to others who don\'t have enough.\n",1]
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However, then these cowards come to college, and are told to buy into diversity and treat people better...well that really can't happen if a person is not able to see their privilege, and to see the mechanics are that keep them a coward. What are those mechanics?If you have only had wonderful things happened to you, and then you normalize those things, then you will never appreciate where you came from and what you have. You will be selfish and not treat people right. That is what has to be unlearned. I once jested with a friend about adventure sports. Now, I love sports, in fact I can't believe I love hockey! But look at the populations of people who do adventure sports. The people who participate are mostly white, and the people who have money. Most of the time those two groups are the same population. Why do you think that this group participates in adventure sports? I don't need adventure sports because existing is hard enough. The thrill for adventure sports comes from the place of desiring a thrill and to prove one's ability to take on something life threatening; that is faux bravery. (Don't feel bad if you do adventure sports.) Life is hard enough, but if you never had to struggle, if you never had your life threatened on a regular basis just because of who you are. If you are like a professor of mine (dr. rose) who grew up in the upper part of Louisiana where she was taught not to go out after dark, for fear of her life because she was black. If you have ever been followed on the street because you were a woman and cornered in an alley. You never have to make up thrills. Adventure sports don't attract you. This is because life is the thrill. Life can be more than enough. If you don't have to really be brave in your own life (which I highly doubt), be brave for someone else, help someone, be a friend, be a supporter, and/or a gift giver. I will never spend money on sky diving because I know that there is a kid who doesn't have school supplies. I know that there is an elderly woman who cannot afford groceries. For as much as I struggled and continue to struggle, I realize even more that I need to be brave for others and help them. Spread the love around. When you give love to multiple people in service, your heart can be broken, but it will never be wounded. You never will fully appreciate what you have if you don't give to others who don't have enough.
The difference between being a survivor and a person who thrives is this: a person who merely survives wants to be at the place they were before; the person who thrive have learned from being brave through circumstances and have come out changed for the better and don\'t look back, but looks forward. Be fully proud of the days where you thrive over merely surviving. That is when you know that you have ran and completed the race. And regardless of the placement, you win!\nLast WordAs most of you are now in your twenties, many of you will become engaged, start dating seriously, have friends who will do those things, and/or be fabulous and single. But as you mature and think about relationships, there is always more to learn about yourself, potential candidates, and people in general. Let me share with you what was revealed to me that has reshaped how I look at relationships.\nAs a man, you should be looking for a women who is your friend, your lover, and your queen. When a women is your friend, she will be there for you. She will be one of your best friends and love and respect you. She will encourage you to go after your dreams but at the same time check you when you start losing it. She will be kind and compassionate. She is someone that your other friends and family respect because she is a good person. She compliments you. She is women enough to love your past and your future. She adds to your life, and doesn\'t take away from it. You are proud that you are friends because she has helped you to be a better person. If a woman is not your friend, she will not be able to be the best lover to you. \nYou want a woman to be your lover; meaning that she can pleasure and entertain your deepest needs. You sees you to the core of who you are and can still look at you. She caters to you and serves you beyond what is just physical. You know that no matter what would or could happened, you can trust her. She has earned trust and respect because she gives it. She is secure in herself, and that is what makes her sexy. She is independent but is drawn to you because you add to her life and vice versa.\n",1]
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The difference between being a survivor and a person who thrives is this: a person who merely survives wants to be at the place they were before; the person who thrive have learned from being brave through circumstances and have come out changed for the better and don't look back, but looks forward. Be fully proud of the days where you thrive over merely surviving. That is when you know that you have ran and completed the race. And regardless of the placement, you win! Last WordAs most of you are now in your twenties, many of you will become engaged, start dating seriously, have friends who will do those things, and/or be fabulous and single. But as you mature and think about relationships, there is always more to learn about yourself, potential candidates, and people in general. Let me share with you what was revealed to me that has reshaped how I look at relationships. As a man, you should be looking for a women who is your friend, your lover, and your queen. When a women is your friend, she will be there for you. She will be one of your best friends and love and respect you. She will encourage you to go after your dreams but at the same time check you when you start losing it. She will be kind and compassionate. She is someone that your other friends and family respect because she is a good person. She compliments you. She is women enough to love your past and your future. She adds to your life, and doesn't take away from it. You are proud that you are friends because she has helped you to be a better person. If a woman is not your friend, she will not be able to be the best lover to you. You want a woman to be your lover; meaning that she can pleasure and entertain your deepest needs. You sees you to the core of who you are and can still look at you. She caters to you and serves you beyond what is just physical. You know that no matter what would or could happened, you can trust her. She has earned trust and respect because she gives it. She is secure in herself, and that is what makes her sexy. She is independent but is drawn to you because you add to her life and vice versa.
When a woman is your queen, it means that you honor and cherish her. That you do everything in your power to cater and respect her. That you are doing what you can to sustain her joy. You share together in the relationship and you don\'t lead the relationship by authoritarian means but by serving. Your legacy together is where love will ultimately reside. At the same time she sees you as her king. She honors and respects you. And you each perform your roles out of mutual respect. Balance is key to this level of love.\nI went home a couple of weeks ago to visit with my friend Beth who was married last year and this year had a baby with her husband, Scott. We went to high school together and undergraduate here at OSU. She let me in on a secret. See, Scott and Beth dated 11 years before they got married (here comes my age). When Beth and I were freshman in high school that is when they began to date. They waited. They waited to get to know each other, they waited to learn from each other, they waited to allow the other to grow, and they waited to be fiscally secure and have their odds and ends together, for them. In our capitalistic society, we want what we want right now. And we treat marriage with the same impatience. \nBeth told me something that I will take with me for the rest of my life. She told me every day she is learning more about Scott. That she is still getting to know him. You would think that now 12 years was enough to get to know someone. But Beth shared wisdom with me that day. In any relationship, especially marriage, as you grow together you learn more about the other and it is real work to sustain open and honest communication. But you do that because you love that person and they love you. That is why you have to be best friends, because with lovers alone, the love can simply die. But with friendship, the agape kind (unconditional) love resides, and that is what gets a relationship through things that are hard. \nYou may have experienced love, but without the other kinds of love, a long term relationship will not work. And hopefully we all are at least learning from each relationship on how to be better. How to serve more. How to be a better friend. And how not to fall for those who would abuse and manipulate us. Those who want to change us to fulfill their needs in their best interest. A true love, wants you to be the best that you can be for you. And the outcome is win-win. If you are the best that you can be for you, and you are giving and serving others, then you will be a greater man. Many women in their 20\'s don\'t know how to support a man to do this effectively. That is because they are trying to figure out their own purpose. \n",1]
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When a woman is your queen, it means that you honor and cherish her. That you do everything in your power to cater and respect her. That you are doing what you can to sustain her joy. You share together in the relationship and you don't lead the relationship by authoritarian means but by serving. Your legacy together is where love will ultimately reside. At the same time she sees you as her king. She honors and respects you. And you each perform your roles out of mutual respect. Balance is key to this level of love. I went home a couple of weeks ago to visit with my friend Beth who was married last year and this year had a baby with her husband, Scott. We went to high school together and undergraduate here at OSU. She let me in on a secret. See, Scott and Beth dated 11 years before they got married (here comes my age). When Beth and I were freshman in high school that is when they began to date. They waited. They waited to get to know each other, they waited to learn from each other, they waited to allow the other to grow, and they waited to be fiscally secure and have their odds and ends together, for them. In our capitalistic society, we want what we want right now. And we treat marriage with the same impatience. Beth told me something that I will take with me for the rest of my life. She told me every day she is learning more about Scott. That she is still getting to know him. You would think that now 12 years was enough to get to know someone. But Beth shared wisdom with me that day. In any relationship, especially marriage, as you grow together you learn more about the other and it is real work to sustain open and honest communication. But you do that because you love that person and they love you. That is why you have to be best friends, because with lovers alone, the love can simply die. But with friendship, the agape kind (unconditional) love resides, and that is what gets a relationship through things that are hard. You may have experienced love, but without the other kinds of love, a long term relationship will not work. And hopefully we all are at least learning from each relationship on how to be better. How to serve more. How to be a better friend. And how not to fall for those who would abuse and manipulate us. Those who want to change us to fulfill their needs in their best interest. A true love, wants you to be the best that you can be for you. And the outcome is win-win. If you are the best that you can be for you, and you are giving and serving others, then you will be a greater man. Many women in their 20's don't know how to support a man to do this effectively. That is because they are trying to figure out their own purpose.
Let me assure you, as Beth revealed to me in her own life. Love that is suppose to be forever will wait. Love supports. Love guides. And love thrives. It will change with each struggle but it will still be there. Someone who is selfish and doesn\'t really know how to love, is insecure, because they don\'t even know how to love themselves…so how can you expect them to love you at all? Don\'t spend your life waiting for THE person. Work on yourself. And you will have healthy higher standards. You will have a better concept of self-worth. You will not fall victim to insecure women and man-eaters. And for those of you who are single and fabulous, the longer you wait to get married, statistically, the more likely it will last. And if you are single and fabulous at 50, you will be okay, too. This is because you are fully proud of who you are, and you have given so much in your life, that a relationship can or cannot happen and you will be fine.\nA man can be as great as he wants to be. If you believe in yourself and have the courage, the determination, the dedication, the competitive drive and if you are willing to sacrifice the little things in life and pay the price for the things that are worthwhile, it can be done.\n\n",0]
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Let me assure you, as Beth revealed to me in her own life. Love that is suppose to be forever will wait. Love supports. Love guides. And love thrives. It will change with each struggle but it will still be there. Someone who is selfish and doesn't really know how to love, is insecure, because they don't even know how to love themselves…so how can you expect them to love you at all? Don't spend your life waiting for THE person. Work on yourself. And you will have healthy higher standards. You will have a better concept of self-worth. You will not fall victim to insecure women and man-eaters. And for those of you who are single and fabulous, the longer you wait to get married, statistically, the more likely it will last. And if you are single and fabulous at 50, you will be okay, too. This is because you are fully proud of who you are, and you have given so much in your life, that a relationship can or cannot happen and you will be fine. A man can be as great as he wants to be. If you believe in yourself and have the courage, the determination, the dedication, the competitive drive and if you are willing to sacrifice the little things in life and pay the price for the things that are worthwhile, it can be done.